Mind Games

In life, we all have been through that awkward phase, that dreadful little incident [or two] that almost scarred us but also shaped us into what we are now. Our personification of beliefs and characterization of perception versus societal expectation insofar mining us to propel to a certain standardization, if not conformation.

Isn't that why we all embrace diversity? Especially so in our community that is represented by alternatives. That difference in lifestyle, in taste, in speech, in freedom, in needs, in desires, and in connections. Therefore the dreaded is all the judgment that we do not need. We are not represented by a social norm, and refused to be in unison with the majority.

But that does not brush aside the fact that no matter what is the skin colour, how we look, or what language we speak, we still have that insecurity. That one thing we do not understand, nor could have made peace with. It is that roadblock in life, and that detour we have to take to get to where we want. It might take a little concealing, and a whole lot of convincing, to achieve assurance. - to fit into social norms. Otherwise it's inevitable to fall into the trap of social caste system. But it begs the question 'why are we so obsessed with acceptance, when such ideal is imperfect in the first place as everything is different'?

Flaws and such, the path to attainment of perfection is endless, as when there's struggle, there's room for improvement. That said, it made me wonder about my personal achilles' heel.

You know that quiet awkwardness between strangers especially when two person just met, and the mind wonders over the kind of topic bonding? On one hand you do not want to go overboard on the taboo things to talk about, while on the other you do not want to come across as anti-social.

Sometimes I admit I rather not sprout nonsense for fear of offending, and that, in turn seem to build an invisible fence that drift me away from social technicality. It just made me seem like the quiet, shy, altruistic guy. I think some might see me as aloof and cold, even snobbish.

I wish I can explain - that I'm the sort who quietly observe and access my move, as I do not want to border on being shabby or lack in any form of presentation. It's my way of showing basic courtesy to acquaintances. I warm up to people a tag later, and I build on foundation as I get to know a person.

Of course, I get my lesson learnt when I bared too much too soon when I'm younger. I get teased a lot, and definitely got judged quite a bit, and my mind wanders when the hearsay feedback to me. In reality, the grapevine grows fast, and the handling of others' personal attack can be tricky and vicious when you don't have much support to stand by you, due to bottling up too much.

That variation in many forms of emotions in diversity is a good indicator that chemistry is still key. I hope despite me being quiet [as a shield but not a facade!] will not be mistaken as being a lone ranger. I still smile, I don't bite, and I definitely am a happy person. I'm not glum just because I don't smile. Maybe I do not know how to break the ice at circumstances.

Even introverts are mistaken as emotionally-inward person. I read from somewhere that introverts are not anti-social nor necessary quiet. They just choose who and how to break out of their shell and socialize. In short, they are like extroverts just that introverts are more selective and decisively sociable.

To sum it up, every insecurity is part of a package that makes us who we are. The important point is, to know how to counter that and make it work for you. I still believe in the saying that there is always a silver lining in the dark clouds, even though it doesn't change the fact that I take longer time to warm up to people, but what's a little detour as long as I still get to my destination?

I used to shrug off those moments in sitcoms featuring reality life [all the chick flicks, lol]. And by 'moments' I meant situations dealing with love, relationships, dating, career, family, etc.

Reason being I was only a teenage dirtbag, how can I be bothered with such issues when the only thing on my mind is to get good grades? Plus I do not have the means to date - no money, no honey, baby..
And those days, I have low social esteem. I think I'm not good enough, you know, being underdeveloped physically, [scrawny and everything] and insecured about my look and style department.

Obviously challenged in so many ways I prefer to let the issues be dealt with later on in life. [When I turn adult to be exact.] So I just laughed at those characters with issues to deal with, and saw it as a self-deflating joke.

And turning adult now, I realised there are more than meet the eyes. Only now then I realised I have to laugh at myself. Duh! Those 'moments' in sitcoms are indeed surreal! I couldn't help but wonder, is relationships key to everything?

Those shows depicted what will happen, and how the characters dealt with it, but they are mostly neurotic people! How will I know if it work in real life. The thing is, it doesn't teach one how to react mentally, and those recurring feeling that goes through my emotional health is left stranded.

Thus, I was mentally challenged when I started my dating ritual in my recent adulthood.

I shall spare the boring dates I have, trust me, nothing outstanding, only outlandish, but I shall proceed to showcase the following faux pas in dating.

My dating peeves list follows:

1) Don't you hate it when your date attend to the cell phone? [Stop messaging, stop talking on the phone unless it's like family emergency.] If not I'll think I am not important enough for you to focus on, either that or you are one hell of a multi-tasking *insert*

2) Offering to pay is nice, even if I insisted on paying. It shows you're committed to the date to share the cost, no? Or at least offer to pay the next time round, it throws the hint that there will be a second date!

3) Looking at that hottie who walks by whilst I talking to you? Pass the jam, babe, I'm outta here, player.

4) Personal hygiene issues. Unkept hair, nostril hair, bad breath, ok - enough said.

5) Ask questions, [show interest in vice versa manner] don't just keep rattling off about your life, achievements, issues - yawns.

6) Awkward silence.

7) Attend to people/friends/random acquaintance you meet along the way for way too long, leaving your date like an idiot who doesn't know where else to look, stare, smile, or do. It's tiring to pretend to smile along, baby.

8) Give false hope. Mean it if you say you gonna call. If not, saying 'it's nice meeting you' suffices. Period.

9) Gone totally wasted, and then flirt with a random ugly person, which invloves kissing - a peck is just as deadly, none the discount.

10) [This happened to my friend.] You look totally different from your photo *exclamation* It's the same effect as saying 'yes' when a girl asks if she is fat! On the other hand, exercise caution, paying too much praises on first date can give the wrong signal that you are superficial [which happens to moi, lol..]

Lastly, boiling hot one raging moment, and then turning cold turkey next is a sure turn off. Be it being indecisive, or some mind games you're playing, it's not fun. Stop. You know some people wait 3 days to call back, a certain number of rings to pick up that phone, and/or replying to the message after few hours interval. We all want that someone to be interested but not on purposeful disinterest.

The real classic? I'll call you back, and never did.

Someone pasted this on my common lift, and I thought, "Isn't it nice to have a stranger spreading the festive joy to share amongst the common neighbour's surrounding?!"

I think we need more self-initiated people to do one small bit to make our surrounding an even better one!

The clock strikes twelve, and the air turns still.
Breathing behold, the heart thumps aplenty.
Loneliness creeps out, fooling around with the darkness.
Like a playground to the silence, at the fingertips of the mind.
Twisting the soul, the body smirks wryly.
It's time to sleep, to lay bare such deep thoughts.
Cutting the chase, surrendering to the moonlit dreams.
When the time slips by, no moment can savage the act.
Leaving only the ghost of memories, the remnant cuts deep.
Just then, the reverie begins.

It's been a while since I last received present, let alone so many at one go.

Well, I realised the joy in giving is more than receiving of course, as any self-respecting selfless guy would say. But then again, cliches are really passe. I don't really need people to buy me stuff, I can jolly well buy me things I fancy.

I think the real joy is not in receiving presents anymore, it's in opening the presents!

Marvel at the effort people put in to source for the things for u, and of course most importantly, every present reveal what other think of you. It is reflective of your personality in a way.

So amongst all the things I received this year, the weirdest is this:



Does that mean I have got black heads to clear? hahaha.. Anyway, I rather receive other types of heads. Lol......



Time flies, just like this, one year has passed. It felt like yesterday when I received this in a lucky draw dip. The hard liquer is still untouched, but I've emerged a little wiser, older, and hopefully experienced.

Let's hope for the best to usher in a better year coming 2008!

Briefly, as a boy who thought he lost something, has sudden crave for material in the non-maternal world.

He realised that money can't buy everything, but it sure can relieve momentarily loss of direction. It provided the goal of search in the endless turns of malls after malls, lingering aftertaste the footsteps to the material paradise, a doormat where wearing the brands on the sleeve is not for pure likeness of products, but also for the concept behind the branding, and the link of the quality lifestyle.

Is it a case of fear of how others perceive him? Or perhaps a case of trying to defy the age-old stereotyping of a person given the fondness for labels.

Slowly but surely, he made his way, finally.. after a dream of owning a piece of heaven for some long period of time, struggling to convince brands are non as exclusive as style from individual pieces be it vintage or otherwise. But still, brands are there for a purpose - to define a certain set of rules and way of life. Wayward indeed, but mutually exclusive to logic.

He went into Prada. Picked up a piece. And off to Tiffany & co. Saw a piece that sparkle. And then to Louis Vuitton. Enquired on an acquired classic piece.

The classics will be here to stay, an investment on humanitary wellness of the soul and attention. What a way to put it, but whatever that rocks his boat.

There must be a lifestyle tuning as well, he decided. Tanning sessions, and yoga lessons nonwithstanding, he embarked on reinvention overhual. Mass corporate gym giantic sessions to come next? Whatever that serves his purpose in seeing things through a malifying glass. Everything is enlarged on a purpose.

What's next to come? Every boy needs his toys - gadgets. An upgrade to his cell phone is on the callcard, and off to a better cellphone that is packed with a punch. 5 megapixel cellphone with camera - checked. Of course, there are certain phones now already armed with 5 megapixel goodness, the question is which brand to follow and chop the loyalty? The brand that the boy can identify with, obviously. It's not just a choice of popularity contest amongst the masses, but also a choice of how the product brand fits into his lifestyle. Of course he picked one that is lusted after, with the wow factor, and is not yet widely owned by his peers but aimed by most. He wanted to be the first to own it to lay off any copycat accusations that are not only childish but as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sometimes, better to avoid than to be dealt with. In this case, the boy rather choose to fill his own void with stuff that is tagged with idealistic price. After all, life is fragile, the lost of 5 lives recently suddenly served a reminder to sit back and kick off a little pampering on oneself. Afterall, who will pamper him if not for himself? Why do we need loss to remind us of the loss we shall face if not for the lack of action and compassion?

One can judge the following that one has just read, but that only goes to prove that labelling still prevails, and thus shall justify the independance of trying to shrug off anybody who wants to pinpoint the choice made individually. I say, Gucci strap and diamond stud next?

You are having a wonderful meal with your friend, sharing good food, great setting, marvellous conversation, good hearty laughter.

"Excuse me, can I clear this?" asked the service crew.

Not only are you being interrupted by the break of momentum in the flow of conversation, you often find yourself having to excuse the crew checking out the table for empty plates.

I couldn't help but wonder, what is the hurry to clear the plates?

If we, glorious customers that we are, did not complain about having those empty plates left on the table reminising the good food that we just had, I do not think that the service crew should so be on the ball, constantly checking out for plates that they can clear.

Are they trying to act busy so that the boss will not think of them as slacking?

Or are they indirectly driving the customers away, sending a hint to finish the food and leave so that more customers can come in and take the seats?

Don't tell me they are so zesty in their job that they can't wait to wash the plates?

Either way I think we are paying for food and service, which mean we have the right to have our peace at least to sit through the food and not being interrupted with the crew constantly checking for things they can clear. I don't see that the crew are just as enthusiastic about seeing we are satisfied with the food and order.

I have this habit of telling off service crew whenever they try to clear the food away from my table. At least not at the midst of me still eating and touching other food even though some plates are empty.

"Can I clear this?" asked the god-forbidden question.

"No, can't you see I'm still eating?" I snapped.

Sometimes within minutes another clueless crew will come over, "Hi, can I have the other plate?"

"Excuse me, can't you see there is still food/sauce/etc on the plate?" I rolled my eyes.

"Can I take this?" getting on my nerves obviously.

"Can you please come back only after I'm done eating and not touching any food anymore?!" I begged for mercy. There are no more new order and definitely the plates won't jam up the table.

I have no qualms if this is a hawker, but isn't there any service sensitivity anymore in cafes and restaurants?

The fear of rejection is brewing strong, so much so that the aroma of attraction is in the air, stirring in the teacup filled with nerves breaking to the brim.

The pond stays still as no movement was detected in the serenity of the illusion it eludes. Cool, calm, collated, almost abandoned by the worldly clauses. In the corner lays a koi, keeping still, only to come out to the surface to take a breather, to take in the view of the nature.

The occasional ripples are an act of dilemma- are the bubbles emitted due to tears of loneliness? Or is it a stir of the bodily movement to get discovered?

Slowly but surely, the koi moves to from one end to the other, only to be greeted by cold walls despite the obvious. The concerted efforts it begets are of how nature ages along with it. The sun blared cheerily on most days, whilst the gloomy rain washes away the emotional baggage on occasional wet spells.

The koi remains unmoved, diverting its attention instead to daydream, of hoping one day there will come a lake full of its kind.

When the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping..